I have no words that can make sense of the madness that happened yesterday, no one does. I feel, like everyone does, shocked, horrified, saddened and angry. I feel like I was in some kind of accident and my nerve endings are still buzzing with the shock, my mind is a little numb, a little slow.
I find myself having to step away from it a little, I am grateful that I can. When I think like that I feel tears for those who cannot step away, for whom reality has been forever changed. There is no silver lining, no good side, this is one of those things that can never be turned around.
So, like everyone else on the fringes of this tragedy, I’m focusing my mind on how lucky I am. I’m holding my boys a little tighter, a little longer, I’m giving in to a few more requests for cookies, I’m pulling them into inexplicable hugs at inexplicable moments. I’m thanking all the gods that exist that they are here with me, that I can hold them, smell them, love them. I’m trying not to let them see the sadness that we are all carrying around like a cloud.
I don’t think the sadness will every really be gone, I don’t think we’ll ever forget what has happened. I really don’t think any of us should.